i went for a run along my river after work tonight.
Spring has officially sprung in okazaki. it’s far too warm to wear winter coats and flannel and knit scarves have been replaced by cotton and chiffon. after a winter of hibernation and nights of pringles and chocolate covered almonds my body was craving the freedom of a jog down the river, so i took warm evening’s offer. My ipod has refused to continue working so i had to brave the run without music, the way i judge how long to run, how long to power walk, one song run, one song walk, one song run, one song walk. Instead i let the thump of my running shoes on the pavement and dirt roads keep the beat, and my own stamina decide when to stop. and i couldnt stop. i ran without a break for longer than i’ve ever run before. i ran until i felt a stitch slice through my side and my breath became weazy and slow. it felt incredible. it was just what i needed.
i officially decided today to stick it out an extra month and end my contract, on my 23rd birthday, october 11th, instead of the original september 6th ending contract date. for over a week i toiled over whether to stay until november 22nd or october 11th, or september 6th. over the weekend i decided november 22nd would be the date. then all of a sudden last night i had a change of heart. i love it here, i truly could stay forever, i’ve found this level of comfort and security that i never knew i could reach. but there’s things i crave. my mom’s voice and her smell, my dad’s supportive hugs, sarah’s wit, tristan’s hair, my friends (the real ones). dating. gagster’s chicken wings… and i knew another three months was too long. one extra one was just enough. enough to complete this adventure. for some reason, a month earlier, september 6th just didn’t seem like enough.
So far, this has been the most important, life-changing, incredible adventure i’ve ever experienced. This is the year absolutely nobody can take away from me, because this is the year i went out and i experienced my life, for myself, without anybody. This is my year. This is the year i will be telling stories about for the rest of my life. These memories i’m making here are the memories that my children and my grandchildren will hear about. This is when I’m learning what is really important, and I can’t lie, i’m scared to death to leave it.
I spent all my time before trying to be on the inside. We all wanted the in, we wanted everyone to know who we were and be assured that we were known and we were important. Well here, i’m never on the inside. I’m a complete outsider. It’s painted across my face, it’s absorbed in every strand of my hair, the bridge of my nose, the shape of my hips. It’s been a giant wake-up call. there is an entire world out there and i’m not situated in the centre of it.
I refuse to go back to the person i used to be. I just want to keep learning. But I can’t just keep on running. I know I need to go back and face the things i didn’t like about myself that i was able to escape by coming here. so one extra month here is enough. but don’t, for one minute think that i’m going to stop moving. sometimes, when your feet find the right beat, you just can’t stop.
