music: The Velvet Underground- Pale Blue eyes In half an hour I will be 22 years old. I don’t know how I feel about that. Im proud of myself for where I am and having the guts to do what I’m doing, but at the same time I’m wondering what it was I was trying to prove, to myself, to everyone else. what is it I was looking to find? What did I hope to get out of this? experience? sure, my mind is just kind of muddy right now. Im thinking so much but absolutely nothing at the same time. Im in a better place than I was yesterday. I felt sick to my stomach, was running on no sleep and just woke up massively depressed. I got medicine, struggled through the day, cried in my classroom a bit here and there, came home, ate soup, fell asleep around 10:30 watching Briget Jones’ Diary, and woke up in a much better mood. I had my first real solid sleep. it felt good. of course today I feel like im coming down with a cold, which only got worse as the day progressed, but besides that, my spirits were better. Kanika and I met up for starbucks in Nagoya after work. its quite the mission and we were exhausted but it was worth it for a little mid-week girl time.
tomorrow is going to be kind of sad. I don’t have anything particular planned for myself for the day at all. wake up, go to work, im sure they will have a cake or something blah blah. then home, make myself something small and easy for dinner, then bed? im thinking about perhaps biking to Apita to get myself a movie to watch, or maybe new sheets that don’t absolutely suck ass. I received a package sent by my parents, but I haven’t opened it yet. I think my birthday would be too sad with nothing to open at all.
hat week im home. yes, that would be nice. he’s sweet, a little crazy but completely sweet. I have no ill experience with him. I found myself making eyes at the only other western man on the train home from Nagoya, a slightly overweight, tired looking man in his late 20s, early 30s. desperation. or perhaps im looking for my bill murray. I need to get out more and meet people I think. this weekend should be good for that. Kanika and I have changed out Sunday plans to going to the zoo, followed by the mall and dinner and then going to see a movie. I want to buy hair extensions. and just generally spend a shit load of money on myself really. Will shop for myself again tomorrow to make self feel better for sad lonely birthday day. 15 minutes until age 22. I wonder where I saw myself at 22 last year, five years ago, ten years ago. Never here I bet. Last October I was still thinking I was going to law school the following year. And here I am, in my own apartment in goddamn japan, listening to Ryan Adams (Velvet underground cd finished), drinking some weird cold medicine herbal tea, burning wild cherry incense, typing on a laptop, a full-time English teacher. Now I don’t even know if I want to go to law school when I get back. I’m really leaning towards a masters in English. I want lectures where we talk about books.
I really have nothing else to say, I just, for some reason want the moment I turn 22 years old, alone, in japan to be recorded. so I suppose I will just ramble on until it hits midnight. then I will go to bed and wake up, probably depressed. yes, I predict a shitty day tomorrow. Everyone at home is going to the powerhouse to celebrate my birthday. nobody has any idea how badly I wish I was there sipping on extra spicy ceasars.
five minutes until 22.its weird. I hate having a birthday late in the year like this. I think ive been saying im 22 since like june, just because if by then you are saying you are 21, then people think I was born in 86, which I wasn’t, I’m an 85’er, thus I am in my 22nd year and so I just say 22 as to avoid confusion. so then, when my actual birthday occurs, it seems like no big deal because ive been calling myself that age for months by that point. I sometimes find myself thinking im turning a year older than I really am once I hit my birthday…. I wish I was spending my birthday with my family. dinner with my parents and sarah and Tristan. if I had one birthday wish, that would be it. my alarm clock says its 11:58, my computer clock says its 11:56. what to do.….will use alarm clock as im ready to go to bed. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….and there we have it. 22 years old. Happy birthday to me.
